What to expect when your loved one is grieving and how long does it last?

You don’t get over grief. You just learn different ways to live with this gaping hole in your life. And eventually, you learn to work around it. The journey of grief is personal and individual experience, and everyone goes through it differently. It can’t be boxed up in a neat little package with a clear cut answer of when it’s going to end.  

It’s not that kind of journey. It’s a lot messier than that. And there is no wrong way to go through this.

That being said my mother lost my father and then my mother-in-law lost my father-in-law all within the last 4 years…

As time passes, It seems like right around the 2-year mark, I started to see a noticeable difference. Things were starting to look a little better. It wasn’t like a magical flip-the-switch kind of change, but there was more hope, laughter, and happiness than I had seen in a while. 

Here’s the key to helping someone through the grieving process. The ONLY way to help someone through this LONG and HEARTBREAKING journey is to embody this idea throughout the entire experience…

It’s about what THEY need NOT about what YOU need.

Someone going through a major loss needs a lot of space and acceptance to react. And you may not like their reaction. You may worry about their reaction, or feel like it’s not healthy.

Unless they’re doing something dangerous that endangers their health and safety (like substance abuse), you need to let them go through this.  And try to be as open-minded as possible.  

I wish I could tell you that I had this compassionate view on coping throughout our entire cancer journey. But what actually happened was that while we were fighting our various coping strategies were creating a lot of extra drama.

Each person’s method of coping was “stepping” on someone else’s way of coping.

I have a full walk-through on what to expect from family dynamics during a cancer situation…

I think dealing with everyone else’s coping strategies was easier for me after my dad died and when we found ourselves in grief because…

#1. We had hit the absolute rock bottom. There was NO scenario that could possibly be worse than what we were already going through.

 #2. While I was absolutely devastated when I lost my dad, but my mom’s situation was so much more profound. Her entire life changed in that one moment, which seemed much more significant than what I was going through. 

#3. My sole mission at that moment became to help my mom get through this. So all of my energy and focus shifted into that.

What To Expect During Grief

That being said my mother lost my father and then my mother-in-law lost my father-in-law all within the last 4 years…neither of them were open to the idea of support groups or grief counseling.

There’s nothing you can do to fix this. Even after a serious illness, where you’ve had some time to prepare for this, the intense pain, feelings of grief, painful emotions, and deep sadness are way too much to deal with. You can’t make grief better, quicker, or easier for someone to go through. You just have to be there to support them through the healing process.  

The first year is the worse, around year 2 it gets a little better.

But there are some things that happened to us, that you should expect. And they’re totally NORMAL, almost a natural response during a grief situation.

Suicidal vs Grieving; There’s a HUGE Difference

About a year after we lost my father, my mom was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. During the initial appointment with Memorial Sloan Kettering, they asked her a series of questions to evaluate her level of safety…

You know, questions like…

1. Have you had any recent changes in your living environment?
2. Do you have easy access to any sources of support, such as family, friends, or a helpline?
3. Do you have any questions or concerns pertaining to your safety or well-being that you would like to discuss?

As she was checking off the boxes, on the device they gave us, she was muttering things like “I don’t care,” and “what a stupid question,” so when she submitted the form, It was less than a minute later before a nurse came running through the door.

I already had my hand up and I blurted out… “she’s not suicidal, she’s grieving.”

My mom was going through a significant loss. She’d lost the man she had spent the last 43 years with, raised children with, and spent every waking minute with. And they had plans.  

Big plans that they never got to finish. Her life did a 360 after that.  

Can you imagine what it feels like to find yourself in that place? Trying to navigate this new reality in the face of loss? It’s devastating, lonely, and more than a little scary.

And during a difficult time like that it does make you feel like you don’t really care if your time on earth is a lot shorter than you once hoped for. That’s not suicidal, that’s grief.   

It doesn’t mean they don’t think life is worth living, it means that they are going through the natural process and the emotional pain that happens when you lose someone who was significant in your life.

**If someone IS truly suicidal, or you’re not sure if what they’re going through is normal this article can help you navigate what to do….

Grievers Talk About Their Own Death

It’s completely normal for someone going through this to want to talk about their own death. In addition to the devastation, death is also an eye-opening experience.  

You realize how difficult it is for your own life when you’re dealing with things like assets, money, and bank accounts. Even with a solid plan, things fall through the cracks. And it’s challenging and stressful to resolve all of these things.

So it makes sense to ensure they’ve got their stuff together.

• What do they want to happen?
• Where things are located so you can eventually find them.
• How can they help you avoid the stress of missing something?

It helps you feel in more in control if you grab that bull by the horns and plan it out. And make sure that everyone knows where everything is.

The problem is: most people dread these conversations. They feel like they want to talk about ANYTHING else and not constantly about death.

I get it. My grandmother used to drop the most shocking statements into general conversations.  

If we were all sitting around talking about cookie recipes and she might say something like “Well when I’m dead, I want all the kids to make cookies for Christmas.”  

People usually have strong feelings about discussion like that because most people don’t like to talk about death.  

Here’s the reality… we are all going to die. And the truth is, I could walk out the door tomorrow and get run over by a bus.  

Being prepared is an important part of having some control of your situation. It’s not a bad thing to focus on a plan for how everything will be handled when the time comes.  

Building a Shrine

• Pictures all over the house.
• Tributes created for the person who is missing.    
• Every card, note, and even the grocery list they wrote on a Post-It note all clearly displayed so they can bask in those memories every day.  

These are normal reactions to losing someone you love. So when I hear people say things like… 

“I can’t go there, it makes me sad” and “it’s not healthy to be obsessed like this” I seriously feel like punching them in the face.  

It’s not about how you feel. It’s about how they feel, and what they need to get through this.

And the worst part of the grief experience is someone who would normally be strong enough to tell you that, is now depressed, vulnerable, and scared.

• Who cares if they want to be surrounded by pictures and notes? 
• So what if YOU don’t think their reaction is healthy?
• Who cares if the way they cope is making YOU sad?

It’s not about you. It’s about what they need and how they have to go through this.

This is not something YOU can control. And unfortunately, we live in a world where everyone likes to control everything.  

You can’t control how people feel, or how they need to survive something like the pain of grief.

Maybe you spend time there. Maybe you live there. But maybe whatever feelings you have don’t really apply.

If I was the bereaved person, if I lost my husband tomorrow, I would want to be surrounded by him too. And I can promise you, he’s the only thing I would want to talk about.  

Remembering Family Members 

We’ve lost way too many significant people in our family over the past 5 years. But, the thing is we still talk about them, constantly. Like they’re still here.

People think that’s kind of strange, and sometimes it makes people downright uncomfortable.

I took one of the kids for an eye exam and the technician told us a really funny joke…

We looked at each other and burst out laughing, and almost in sync we responded “Rich would LOVE that joke!”

That’s when it got kind of awkward.

The technician replied, “you should tell him that joke when you get home…”

So we tried to gently explain that we couldn’t actually tell him about the joke, because we lost him about a year ago…

She was horrified. 

I mean her mouth dropped open, she got really anxious and she started apologizing profusely…

As we’re trying to calm her down, and trying to explain… “It’s okay. We love him, we miss him, and we talk about him all the time.”  

“And he would have absolutely LOVED that joke. So for the rest of our lives, every time we hear a joke like that, we will automatically think of (and talk about) Rich.”

And that’s a good thing.

• It means that he mattered to us.
• It means that we love him.
• And it means that he will never be forgotten. 

It’s okay to talk about the people you love. And it’s okay to think about them all the time. And it actually gets so much better when you can do that without bursting into tears (which takes some time, but it will come).  

“I know exactly how you feel I just lost my dog.”

Try NOT to say ridiculous stuff like this.

I get it, my dogs are like family.  

When we lost our German Shepard, I was devastated. I cried for a week and could barely get off the couch. The kids called me every single day from college to make sure I was okay.

But no matter how sad I was about our Rollie girl, that pain was nothing compared to losing my dad.

They’re just two completely different scenarios that can’t even compare in significance.  

The problem is, people don’t know what to say.  

If you’re struggling with what to say, this will help…

Make This About What THEY Need Not What You Need.

Let me say that one more time. It’s about what THEY need not what YOU need.

My mom and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about what she would like to happen when it’s her time to go.

I want to be buried with your father, in a really sturdy sealed box so that worms can’t get in.” “Please, make sure that the worms can’t get in.” After I promised to take the worm issue seriously, she continued…

“I don’t want a service.” “Don’t make anyone drive all the way up here to attend anything, I just want you to know that I love you and move on.” 

And that’s when I politely told her, that when this happens… 

This becomes about me and what I need to get through it. 

While I appreciate your input…

• If being surrounded by family and friends for a day is going to help me get through at least one day, then I’m doing it. 
• If I want to be sad and stay in my PJs for 6 months then I’m doing it.  
• And if I want to go to Disney World (our favorite place on earth) and spend 7 days crying my eyes out as I walk around remembering all of the amazing times we spent there together… I’m going to do it.

I’m doing whatever I need to do AND I get to decide what’s going to help me get through this. However, you do get to decide where you want to go and I promise to take the time to make sure the box is worm-proof.  

How Can You Help?

Plan Things

It’s human nature. We need things to be excited about and we MUST have things to look forward to.  

If we don’t, what’s the point?

The most important lesson cancer teaches you…Live your life today. Help your loved one enjoy life today.

There are no guarantees, I could walk out of the house right now and get hit by a bus.

There might not be a tomorrow.

You get one shot. One chance to make this life amazing.

Plan the things you want to do.

Start right now by making a bucket list, we walk you through how to do that here…

Go On An Adventure

I grabbed tickets to take my mom to see the Rockets in NYC (2 hours away) a few months after my dad died. I figured a day of fun and something to look forward to might give her a break during the holiday season (which was BRUTAL).

The day before our trip, the “weather guesser” announced that we were getting a huge snowstorm, but since it was supposed to start at like 9 pm and we had early tickets, we decided to go anyway.

When we came out of the theatre, it looked like a blizzard and the ground was covered in snow. It took us a while to get to our car and get on the road.

We got on the road, and we moved half a mile in the next 4 hours. We got caught in what they call a gridlock. You can’t move… all the cars are side by side creeping up an inch at a time trying to get ANYWHERE.

After 4 hours we finally made it to an exit and I got off. I didn’t really care where we were, I just wanted to find north. Yonkers, White Plains, Scarsdale…

When we got off the exit though, people has literally LOST THEIR MINDS.  

• There were people driving on and across the dividers in the middle of the road.
• There were cars everywhere. Some were broken down but others just parked in the middle of the road (because walking was 10x faster). 
• There were people driving (way too fast) on the wrong side of the road.

To make matters worse, there were people walking down the street carrying gas cans and batteries. And HUGE groups of people trying to wave down and then yelling at completely empty buses that would pass by but not stop.

It was an absolute shit show.

We headed north and finally got out of there. We found a McDonald’s at about midnight with only the drive-thru open. There were 50 cars in that line, across the street, and down the block but we didn’t care. We were starving.  

We found a pharmacy and asked to use the bathroom and a young girl told us the bathroom was not for customers. My mom smiled sweetly and explained that “she could let us use the bathroom or we were going to pee on the floor.”

There were no hotels available anywhere until we got about 45 minutes from home. By that time it was 4 am and we were traveling so slowly that we stopped and slept for a few hours, got some breakfast, and finally made it home.

Under normal circumstances, I would tell you that this trip was an absolute disaster.

But for us, it was exactly what we needed.  

A ridiculous adventure that we will NEVER FORGET, that we still talk about, and that broke up the monotony and the sadness of our day-to-day existence.

Did it fix everything? No. But it gave us a break.  

It eased the feelings of sadness and gave us one day where we had a whole different scenario to worry about, laugh about, and get through.

In the midst of an intense grieving situation, things like that are a blessing.

Random Trips

My husband and I make a point of grabbing “the moms” for random trips.

• “Hey! I’m running to the grocery store to grab a few things, want to take a ride?”
• “Ugh, I have an appointment in Albany, want to come along and we’ll grab lunch?”
• “I have to run over to Hudson and grab some treats for the dog. What are you up to today?”  

Most of the time, they’ll join us and it gives them a chance to get out of the house and spend some time with us. And it’s way more fun to run those annoying little errands when you’ve got a partner in crime.

It’s a win/win for all of us.

Drop By 

The other thing we do frequently is just stop by. Sometimes we just sit around talking, other times we have dinner and play cards or games.  

It doesn’t really matter what you do, it just matters that you’re there!  

If you can’t stop by, then call, text, or send memes. Check-in, and see how they’re doing.  

Support Their Life Choices.

Obviously, you want to encourage them to return to their healthy ways and deal with any health problems. Things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and addressing any physical problems as well as their emotional needs is going to go a long way to how they’re feeling.

But it’s even bigger than that. There are a variety of emotions involved in starting to feel better or spending the day without all of these intense emotions.

And it takes a long time.

After my dad died and more than a full year had gone by, my mom made the decision to sell her house which was a lot to take care of, and downsize into a smaller home that was closer to me.

That summer we visited an RV Resort where my sister-in-law has a camp located 3 and ½ hours away from where we live on Lake Ontario in upstate NY. My mom absolutely fell in love with the place.  

Basically, you purchase a camp (there are all types of budgets, locations, and buildings), and there are thousands of these things. Some camps are park models with HUGE Florida rooms, some are campers, some have handbuilt outside decks, or huge covered porches. Some are on the beach, some are by the pool and rec areas, and some are more private.  

 As soon as you arrive, it feels different. Like a vacation, even if it’s only for the weekend. It feels relaxing, like the stress of the world stayed outside when you drove in.  

People drive around on their golf carts and spend their days relaxing, hanging out, and fixing up their sites. If it’s hot… you can swim in Lake Ontario, hang out on the beach, jump in the pool, or grab an ice cream in the courtyard.  

 There’s activities that are going on constantly… water aerobics, bunco, poker games, karaoke, arts and crafts… There are bands in the courtyard every weekend, poker runs, car shows, craft fairs, Halloween in July (where the kids dress up and go trick or treating at all the camps), and golf cart parades. 

My mom absolutely fell in love with the place.  

At the time we were doing this, I was terrified. My mom was pretty debilitated, she needed two knee replacements, and it’s 3 and ½ hours away from where I live. They have 24/7 security, but still. 

At this camp though my mom went from surviving to thriving.  

She takes a water aerobics class every morning, plays bunco on Wednesday, she has friends all over the park… everywhere we go she knows people. Her mobility got so much better, then she got her knees replaced and she’s in better shape than she’s ever been.

She spends the winter months planning what she’ll do when she gets back there.

My husband and I go up there as much as possible. We take the dog and any kids that have the weekend off and we head up. We have a huge space, with tons of sleeping room (we’ve had 10 people stay comfortably in our camp).

It’s been good for all of us. And since the beginning even more family have come up, we’ve met some new friends and it’s transformed into a big group. We have a camp family.  We spend most of our summer weekends up there playing cards, having bonfires, and listening to awesome bands. 

It’s been good for us, but it has been a life-changing, incredible experience for mommy. 

If there is a major change on the horizon, it’s okay.

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